Friday, 26 September 2008

• bi polar

  so i feel a bit bi-polar now. A few days ago I was saying that I was missing something, and now I'm getting back on the road to contentment again. It almost feels a bit hypocritical of me, but when its genuine and honest, it shouldn't matter right? I've been reminded by myself (literally) about the priorities in life. Back in like March, April or May (i don't remember when this took place), I was part of this film for Campus America. In it I hold up a polaroid and say "I am Kevan Lin and I pray Brokenness." You can see it here. It's pretty awesome.
  
  but yeah, it was this video that reminded me that during my own brokenness that I ought to pray. Amidst his own struggle here on the earth, Jesus prayed during the times of weakness, and during times of hard struggle. (i.e. garden of Getsamane(sp?).) Before I serve anybody else, I need to reconcile myself before God and really pray out what I'm dealing with. I had to admit that there was so much confusion happening internally, emotions left and right, serious reconciliation issues that needed to be put onto the table. It was through an exhaustive 4-5 month process that has finally led me to come this point in my life. I ask the question to myself: "What are you living for?" "Who are you living for?" It is money, fame, success or women? Because they will all come and go, money will make me greedy, fame is fleeting, success can be measured in so many ways, and women will never fully understand who I am as a person like God can.
  
  I've always been rebellious and never fit into the status quo. My teenage years were tumultuous to say the least, but they were essential for the formation of who I am today. In the same way, these years of college life are just as pertinent in my growth into the man I will become in the near future. the Lord disciplines the ones He loves, and if this axiom holds fast, then the Lord loves me a WHOLE lot. It has taken me a long time, and will still take me a very long time, to understand that my life is not my own, that I have been bought at a price. But it is through that sacrifice that I am a free man. By exercising my freedom, it is to be proactive in the things of the kingdom of God.
  
  I'm not vowing to stop drinking, the rare swear words that come awkwardly out of my mouth, nor to halt the desire to be well learned on my television shows. But it's about my mentality, to take it seriously, the call of the cross. I'm slowly understanding that it's not about me. It never was. It was my own mind and this world that fixates so much on me. What am I doing wrong? How can I better myself? How can I make myself into a person that will be likeable/attractive? It's these questions that take up too much of limelight, when the real questions should be: How can I help the person next to me, what am I doing to make this world a better place, how can I show love in practical ways?
  
  I'll leave these questions unanswered... until next time.
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  reminder: check out http://twelvehours.wordpress.com to see my photography blog. We are posting a regular basis now, so it's pretty neat to watch and see the photos that Jeannie and I are taking.

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